When the Body Says No: How Stress and Love Shaped a MS Journey

We like to believe that disease is random. Genes, bad luck, maybe the price of ageing. But that’s only part of the story. The truth is harsher, and more hopeful at the same time.

Our bodies are not separate from our lives.

They listen.

They respond.

They remember.

I know this not from theory, but from someone who was a dear friend of mine.

The Beginning, MS Symptoms in an Unhappy Marriage: When Illness First Appeared

When I first met her during skeeler class, she had already been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The evidence was there: white spots on her brain scans, tingling in her skin, and a leg that sometimes dragged when she walked. The neurologists were convinced. MS was a lifelong condition, they said. The best she could do was manage the decline.

She told me she just stepped out of her marriage, as they lived more like brother and sister, having their own bedroom rather than partners. The relationship was not bad but flat, financially safe in a practical sense, but devoid of joy and intimacy. She was living, not thriving.

And being just divorced by myself, we had something to talk and complain about 😜

We became friends, and she told me she was in love again with a great guy, she was happy again. She built a home with her new partner, shared moments of laughter, intimacy, and adventure, and, of course, with ups and downs as she shared “let’s be honest”. For the first time in years, her heart was full of joy and optimism. And something extraordinary happened: her symptoms began to fade.

And something extraordinary happened: her symptoms began to fade.

The tingling disappeared. Her leg regained strength. Her energy returned.

Within two years, after new rounds of medical tests, a neurologist told her she no longer even met the criteria for MS. He said, almost incredulously, “I can write this down for the insurance company if you want. Officially, medically speaking, you don’t have MS anymore.”

Imagine that: a disease considered incurable, evaporating in the presence of love and stability.

The Return: How Stress and Control in a New Relationship Triggered MS Again

But life is not a straight line.

Years later, she shared that she would emigrate with her partner to Australia. Later, I heard she broke up with her partner because she had fallen for the kite surfing firefighter, who brought a passionate relationship, stability, and, for her, having recently immigrated, a sense of community, as he had established roots there. From the outside, it looked promising: a fresh, happy start in a new country.

Pitifully for her, she had stepped into a relationship that gradually turned sour. This one was marked by control, financial struggle (he lost his job due to mental illness), and emotional turbulence. 

She carried the weight of being the only one working. He became increasingly possessive. Neighbours would later tell me how often she came by, asking if they could go for a walk because she felt so stressed she needed to escape the house.

And then, almost predictably, the symptoms returned.

First, pain in the nerve behind her eye. Then the gradual loss of vision. Then, there were other neurological issues, each one a step back into the world she thought she had left behind.

The MS was back.

That relationship ended in tragedy when her partner took both their lives.

I don’t share this for shock value.

I share it because the timeline and her story matter. As I can see it, and she actually shared with me, her illness emerged when she was in a joyless relationship, receded when she lived in love and stability, and returned when she was again under relentless stress.

Her story reveals something we are too quick to ignore: stress and unhappiness are not just emotions.

They are biological events that change the body. Safety and love silenced her disease. Stress and fear brought it roaring back.

When the Body Says No: Gabor Maté on Stress, Trauma, and Illness

This is precisely what Dr. Gabor Maté describes in his book When the Body Says No.

Maté’s work is clear: stress and trauma are not just psychological burdens. They are biological events.

If you cannot say “no” to what harms you - whether that is overwork, emotional abuse, or the quiet suffocation of disconnection - your body will eventually say it for you.

For her, the body said no in the language of MS. For others, it might be cancer, an autoimmune disease, chronic depression, or neurodegeneration. Different diagnoses, same underlying principle.

This is the part medicine often resists.

We are comfortable talking about genes and biochemistry, but less comfortable talking about the ways a loveless marriage, a toxic boss, or an unresolved childhood trauma silently carve their fingerprints into the immune system and the brain.

The Science: How Stress, Trauma, and Inflammation Fuel Autoimmune Disease

Here is what we know:

• Stress chemistry is toxic when chronic. Cortisol and adrenaline, in small bursts, help us survive. They are essential hormones. But when they are switched on day after day, they suppress immunity in some areas and over-activate it in others. This creates the perfect storm for autoimmune diseases like MS or cancer.

• Inflammation becomes a habit. Stress flips the body into a low-grade inflammatory state. Over time, this damages myelin (the insulation around nerves), synapses, and even DNA repair mechanisms.

• Trauma leaves epigenetic scars. Early experiences can literally switch genes on and off - priming the body for hypervigilance, inflammation, and disease later in life.

• Relationships regulate biology. Safe, loving environments calm the nervous system, and there is a release of oxytocin and serotonin. Fearful and unstable individuals keep it in constant red alert.

Her story wasn’t an anomaly. It was the living embodiment of what neuroscience, immunology, and psychology are all beginning to confirm.

Head, Heart, and Gut: The 3 Brains Intelligence Lens That Shapes Stress and Healing

What Maté frames as stress and trauma, I map onto the 3 brains -  Head, Heart, and Gut.  - we all carry:

Gut Brain (survival):

In her case, safety, freedom to make her own choices, and financial security allowed her Gut - which houses 90% of our immune system - to work for her rather than against her. But under chronic stress, the Gut flips into hypervigilance. Inflammation rises. The body is locked in fight-or-flight. For her, this stress reignited the neurological damage that MS exploits. In that state, illness finds fertile ground.

Heart Brain (connection):

Love and safety calmed her symptoms. But fear of not being accepted unless she followed his rules, the pain of giving without receiving, and the loss of genuine connection broke that protective shield. She still cared for him - financially and physically - but the love was not returned. The disease didn’t just affect her body; it reflected her emotional life.

Head Brain (logic):

For years, it tried to compensate, urging her: “Focus on your work. Be strong. Manage. This is life, and you chose it.” But no Head Brain strategy can override biology forever. Eventually, the system collapsed.

The state of her relationships was written directly into her body.

This is the reality medicine often overlooks: our 3 brains are not separate. Biology is not separate from biography.

The Hard Truth: Stress and Unhappiness Are Biological Events

The hard truth is this: stress and unhappiness are not abstract emotions. They are as physical as blood pressure, cholesterol, or white blood cells. They alter immunity. They accelerate inflammation. They change the way disease expresses itself.

Rheumatoid Arthritis, Type 1 Diabetes, Inflammatory Bowel Diseases (IBD): Crohn’s Disease & Ulcerative Colitis, thyroid-related autoimmune diseases like Hashimoto’s & Graves’, Progressive Supranuclear Palsy, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, cancer, MS,  we label them as separate diseases.

We fight them with drugs, surgeries, and protocols. But underneath, they share a pattern: inflammation, stress pathways, protein misfolding, and immune dysregulation. And those are all profoundly influenced by the lives we live and the traumas we carry.

No, I am not saying stress “causes” PSP or MS or cancer or any other autoimmune disease.

That would be naïve or even stupid to state. What I am saying is that stress, trauma, and disconnection are the fertile soil in which disease takes root and grows. 

Genes load the gun. 

Environment pulls the trigger. 

Trauma and stress decide how quickly the bullet fires.

No job, relationship, or coping mechanism is neutral.

Every environment you live in either regulates or dysregulates your nervous system. Every day, your 3 Brains are scanning:

• Am I safe?

• Am I loved?

• Am I connected?

If the answer is no, your body will eventually keep the score.

Disease as a Mirror: How Relationships Shape Illness and Healing

So was her MS real? Yes. Were the white spots on her brain scan real? Absolutely.

However, the key point is that the expression of her disease was not just medical, but also relational. When her life gave her safety, joy, and stability, her symptoms went quiet. When life gave her stress, fear, and pressure, the disease came alive again.

That is not a coincidence. That is how the body works.

The Hope: Why Aligning Your 3 Brains Can Recalibrate Health

The hope is that change is possible. We cannot rewrite the past or undo trauma, but we can learn to align our Head, Heart, and Gut.

We can stop outsourcing self-worth. Not only that, but we can also create environments — both within ourselves and around us — that heal rather than harm.

When we do that, our biology doesn’t just cope; it thrives. It recalibrates. Symptoms can soften. Energy can return. Illness can retreat.

That is the real medicine most of us are missing.

I've seen this happen in real life many times. I have seen echoes of it again and again in my coaching work with leaders, couples, and individuals who learn to listen to the wisdom of their 3 Brain.

What about you?

How much are you listening to the whispering of your 3 Brains that are warning you about the stress you are silently carrying? What might change in your life if you were to listen to your body before it had to say “no”?

PS If this story resonates, don’t just reflect; I encourage you to take action.

We all carry Inner Protectors: patterns born from childhood stress or trauma that silently shape our health, relationships, and decisions. They like to keep us safe and healthy, but pitifully with old coping mechanisms that don't always reflect the current situations. As far as I can see, one or more of them kept her in her relationship for all the good intentions, too long.

My free Just Launched 12 Protectors Test helps you uncover which of these protectors are steering your life, and how to realign

https://www.3brainsintelligence.com/3-brains-12-protectors-test

I am curious about your reflections on this blog.

Cheers, and please never let your 3 minds keep you from being happy.

Christoffel