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trauma from a relationship breakup?

It is impossible to really break up forever if you once had a really emotionally, physically connected relationship. So stop fighting it, and say welcome.

Maybe you have something like” no, I know some of my exes and no there is no connection anymore” or maybe you have something like. “ yes, it is still somewhere on some level and it still hurts, that is why I threw away the pictures, deleted him/her from FB etc” .

Of course when it was a one night love we probably can do so, but when it was a longer period of real love and connection it is not, I am sorry to say that. Luckily there is a way to overcome this.

First, lets explore… why is it not possible to totally get rid of the other?

I invite you to think and feel this thought, and for your information I am now in a 3 week workshop with Stephan Gilligan and I am exploring this statement for myself, looking back to “all the women I loved before” as Julio Iglesias’ song. Based on my own experiences, experiences of people who shared their history, their thoughts and knowledge with me, I came aware that almost everybody on some level has a broken relationship, I focussed on partners but we can also talk about, siblings, parents, or kids and we have different kind of happy and also “painful” memories or emotions about them.

Just image a tree. That tree grew up in the soil the seed landed, fed itself on the soil and the water and when it is moved for whatever reason, it will still be made from the soil it was once growing on. In our world it means: we breath in and out something like 100.000 liter of air everyday although some research even state that it could be 1.000.000 liter a day. Let’s go for safety with the 100.000 liters, this still means when you were sleeping together, you both inhaled and exhaled 60.000 liter of air. You inhaled the air your ex exhaled, night in night out. And than just think of all the other things you physically did together like kissing etc. Hold that image and than combine it with that every second, 20.000.000 body cells are rejuvenated/replaced. So where are the building blocks for those new cells coming from? Yes from the air you breath, so yes partly from your ex partner. So on cellular/molecular level you are partly all of your ex-partners.

Furthermore we all have a past with them, so we have memories of that past, beautiful one’s and less beautiful or even negative/painful one’s, hence the breakup. Probably and “pitifully” dismissing that past means you dismiss somewhere a part of your own life; of yourself. Don’t get me wrong we can do that and people do it, they have gaps in there memory but is means on therapeutical level that you are not totally whole or complete. Also emotions are stored in the body and mind and just like the memories, why dismissing the beautiful happy emotions you once had? Just because after that the negatives came in? In Holland we love to say:”why to throw away the child with the water (s)he was bathing in?”

Last but not least, quantum physics has the theory of ‘non-locality’, also poetically referred to as ‘quantum entanglement’. The Danish physicist Niels Bohr discovered that once subatomic particles such as electrons or photons are in contact, they remain cognizant of and influenced by each other instantaneously over any distance forever, despite the absence of the usual things that physicists understand are responsible for influence, such as an exchange of force or energy. Other researchers have proved mathematically that everywhere, even inside of our own bodies, atoms and molecules are engaged in an instantaneous and ceaseless passing back and forth of information. Thomas Durt of Vrije University in Brussels demonstrated through elegant mathematical formulations that almost all quantum interactions produce entanglement, no matter what the internal or surrounding conditions.

So even we would like, we cannot master to be un-entangled.

So how to do that? You like to get over your past, and as most of us we say: I want to forget my ex-partner(s) or move on or to kill the past, how to do that truly, because based on evidence we cannot?

There is a way out of this entanglement, although it needs the use of the principles of Aikido, somewhere change the rules of the game, stop fighting it.

When we use the tree as an example, it means welcome the parts (and past) inside you, you are made of it, use that energy to strengthen you instead of trying to get it out of you. I personally came aware you cannot fight your past, the principle from some popular motivational guru’s who say ‘if you cannot you must’ , doesn't work, because it is you and not an external thing you like to overcome. You can turn off the light but the energy of the light will always be there. So embrace it, that does not mean you have to love it and say wow so grateful for the pain but accept it is there that is part of you, it is the soil you are made off. As Stephan Gilligan loves to say we dehumanized it, we made it alien, we say “it should not be part of us” and do our best to bite our own arm off. And the opposite is the way out: make it human again and part of you again.

The moment you do: you can transform it to an other energy, an other memory, an other emotion.

My personal experience with the process, it is easy to disconnect from FB or things like that and to do this truly it is so beautiful. For the Harry Potter lovers, why would you like to be a Voldemort who split himself in 7 peaces of soul, isn’t it much nicer to be one ;-) ? And is it not that Harry Potter only could get rid of the Voldemort part of him the moment he embraced it?.

All the best with your personal integration. I would love to read your comments.


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